Midwives' Babies

Lately, the midwives' kids have been really warming up to me which is so fun! My relationships with the midwives have grown so much! I love being trusted with their sweet little babies! When Ate Grace and Ate Behl hand me their babies, they hurry out of the room so that I can hold them for longer! I love it! Even Maybell who is really wary of foreigners has started running to me, wanting to play with me and even allowing me to comfort her! I've never had to work this hard to get kids to accept me and befriend me, but it's totally worth it!

Maybell and I

We matched!

She was trying to cover her face so that we couldn't take a picture

All I need is a pink belt to go with mine and I'll be good to go!

Marielle also known as Bisay (a nickname she's had since birth which is a combination of the names of the provinces which her parents are from) has also started letting me hold her more. She loves sitting on my bunk bed, playing with my cell phone, looking through my books and looking at pictures on my camera. I still have to distract her sometimes for her to let me hold her without her mom around. Marielle has really changed, it's been so fun to watch her go from not wanting me to look at her to letting me hold her quite often.

Marielle on my bed

I was letting her look at my bible

she was ever so gently turning each page when all of a sudden....

opps! she tore a page completely out!!! luckily it was in the very front so no big deal. ha ha, I took it away from her after that!!!

The past few days I've also been getting Marielle to go to sleep on my shoulder, it's so fun!


This past sunday it was just Behl, Grace, me and their kids! It was so fun! While they were doing prenatals I could take the babies for them and carry them around with me. I love being a part of this beautiful birthing home family!

Overdue Update

So many things have happened since I last blogged! Just a few are bringing Asher to tlc, another bazar selling trip (just with Jorge and I this time, it was super fun!), renewing my visa, lots of soccer with the Gustafson's and the neighborhood kids, visits to the baby home and seven births plus two transports. A few weeks ago we also had to say goodbye to Lauren which was really sad! She was so sweet in writing letters to all of us and giving the midwives, their ya yas (nannys), and Jeri and Sara goodbye gifts. Throughout our time together I really enjoyed talking and living with Lauren. We also really challenged each other. I know we had times where we were both irritating to each other and I think we both learned a lot by living together. I LOVED talking with her about my family and I loved hearing about hers. Both of us have big families (with lots of girls and one boy!) and our families are really important to both of us. I really enjoyed confiding in Lauren, She is a very compassionate, understanding, and sweet listener. She also has a hilarious and sarcastic sense of humor, which was really fun to have around! I am grateful for all she taught me about midwifery, filipino culture, and living with peers away from one's home and family. She had really great relationships with the midwives and it was really cool to see those relationships develop even more over the time that I was here. Lauren had to leave for her flight at 2:45 am, so we all just stayed up all night with her at Jeri's house! We ordered pizza for dinner, watched Leverage (tv show), and had Lauren do henna on all of us. It was great to share that time with her. Kim also left the saturday right after Lauren. It was hard for all of us to say good bye. Kim was a really fun and energetic person to have around the birthing home! She's also really sweet and caring. Kim has a great sense of humor and is really personable. I got to talk about my baby fetish with her and it was nice because she liked to talk about how cute the midwives kids and babies were too. Seeing both of them leave was sad but it also prepared me for when I'll have to leave the Philippines. It was good to see all of their preparations and to think for myself all the mental and physical preparations I will have to make when I have to leave.

Soccer has been so fun lately! Besides just playing games on thursdays and saturdays Darren has started taking us all out to the basket ball court in the neighborhood and playing soccer games that help us get better at traping and passing. It's humbling but also super fun! I'm learning to laugh at myself more, to appreciate how great these kids are at soccer, and to encourage them as they continue to beat me all the time! Playing soccer with them has been huge for me, sports are an area of life that I thought I would never be a part of and would never enjoy at all! Darren and all of these kids have completely changed that in me and have really empowered me and given me confidence to enjoy working hard and challenging myself in this way! I am so appreciative of the freedom they have given me, they have opened me up to something I thought I could never possibly do! The kids are all so sweet and encouraging (most of the time) and will tell me that I'm "so strong" and I'm "getting so much better". I love them so much! Darren dedicates so much time and effort to all of these kids, he's an amazing encourager, mentor and father figure to all of them. This has been and will continue to be a beautiful blessing to me during my time here.

Just a quick note: the other day I got to see and hold a six week old baby who I had assisted in the delivery of! It was so cool and exciting, I couldn't believe how fast he had grown!

A month or so ago, I went to a women's retreat with the church I'm attending here. It was a totally different experience for me since I've only previously (before coming to the Philippines) participated in youth group, not with women's or young adult groups. It was also a really good experience, the speaker was very genuine and open, she really shared her heart with us which was a big blessing. She shared the tenderness and pain of what she had been through in her life, which was very powerful. It was really refreshing to be there, to have great quiet times, and to participate in beautiful, spirit filled worship services. I enjoyed getting to know more of the women of the church and talking to them about midwifery. The retreat was in Tagaytay and it was absolutely gorgeous! I again got to pass by the Taal volcano which was awesome! The venue was called Hacienda Isabella and it was amazing! The landscaping, decorating and gardens were incredible! Every little nicknack and detail was well planned out and unique. Each room looked different and felt welcoming and fresh. This retreat was a beautiful and refreshing break for me which I really enjoyed!

A Painful Ending and a Beautiful Beginning

On thursday, (April 23rd) I had just finished up prenatals and Lauren, Miranda, Kim and I were having our weekly discussion with Jeri when I found out that Jorge was headed over to Safe Refuge. He offered for me to go and Jeri agreed that it was a good idea. Safe Refuge is a beautiful care ministry for women in crisis. It is the only crisis ministry in the philippines that helps women and their children. Safe Refuge not only helps women care for their children but also gives both women and their children a safe and loving place to live. Moms in unsafe situations can recieve support and care before, during, and after their births. The moms who live there all take turns caring for one another's children while others work. When Shiphrah birthing home receives a buntis (pregnant woman) who is living in an unsafe environment then we send her over to Safe Refuge. The rest of the girls had seen Safe Refuge but I had not. More than that, Jorge's purpose in going was to pick up a new baby for tlc! How exciting! Of course I wanted to go! Joy, tlc's social worker was going to meet us at Safe Refuge and Jorge texted her, asking if it was ok for me to be the one to hold the baby. I was thrilled to be able to hold this little one and to bring him back to tlc!

Once we arrived at Safe Refuge after about an hour drive I realized that the situation was much different than what I had anticipated. We were not simply picking up a baby, we were helping his mom surrender him. Jorge parked on the narrow street and sent me into an apartment down a beautiful little alleyway. I entered into the homey feeling apartment, slipped off my shoes and climbed the stairs. The neighborhood surrounding this building was really beautiful, tiny little streets with cute colorful apartments wedged between one another with little barber shops and bakeries in between. Through out the house the colors were bright and joyful and there were lots of pictures, encouraging words, and scriptures on the walls. I entered a room at the end of the upstairs hall and found it freezing compared to the hot hallway. I found Joy, Ate Red (one of the directors of Safe Refuge), a friend of the family, and a young mom with her small newborn. I felt like an abrupt and insensitive intruder entering into a sacred moment. I had just stepped into one situation when I (foolishly) had been expecting something totally different. The room felt heavy; the gravity of the situation was reflected in the atmosphere. I soon learned that the baby's name was Asher and he had a three year old brother and had been delivered by cesarian section at a local hospital three days earlier. The brother came in and sat with his mom. Although perhaps he sensed the seriousness in the room, he in no way grasped the life-changing events that were taking place. We all sat calmly as this mom looked down at her baby, wiping her tears from his face. He was sleeping so peacefully, being totally unaware of the monumental changes happening in his life. He had a torrent of dark thick hair, a wide face, small lips and I saw, once he woke up, peering light brown eyes. His arms were pink and covered in soft downey hair. His mom was so tender with him, smoothing his hair, touching his cheek. I marveled at her courage; to make peace with this decision and to let him go all because she believes it will provide the best life for him. This is perhaps the most selfless love. She started sobbing, her shoulders shaking, I could feel the weight of the terrible decision she had to make and the tearing that was happening inside of her. My mind was blown by how incredibly hard this was, how real, desperate, and painful a surrendering is. All of a sudden a whirl of emotions hit me. What in the world was I doing here? I didn't want to be the one to carry this precious baby away from his mom! I felt like I could feel just a drop of her loss and it was too great for me. I couldn't cry, I couldn't release, comprehend, or even acknowledge all that I was feeling for both this mom and her son. I started to grasp the reality of the pain of the awful separation that had to take place. I wanted it to be over and I wanted to get out. I did not want to see such a painful ripping of two souls. When we started taking pictures, the baby's mom buried her face in his neck kissing him and wiping her tears off of him. She handed the baby to joy for her to hold for a while. She wept some more, holding onto Ate Red's shoulder. The baby was handed back to his mom and she nursed him and held him some more. We took more pictures and just sat with her for a while, trying to give her all the time she needed. I don't think it ever would have been enough. After quite some time, Joy told me it was time. I held out my hands to the baby and to his mom and she placed her perfect little baby boy into them. I could never in a lifetime explain all of the emotions that rushed through me. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders with a responsibility that wasn't even mine. I wanted to look into her eyes and tell her that I would never ever let anything happen to him. I wanted to promise her that he would never feel pain, that he would always be safe and protected and that he would have a beautiful life because of her sacrifice. I wanted to tell her that I would personally guard him and look after him, risking my own life for his. But how could I promise such a thing? I felt I was holding the worlds most precious life as I walked out of the chilly room into the stifling heat of the hallway. I wanted to protect his new little life from every noise, every smell and every thing that could ever possibly hurt him. Just being in the presence of a pain this great was difficult for me. At the bottom of the stairs I turned to find the mom close behind me. She came over and kissed the baby again, her tears were more than I have cried in a lifeitme and carried more pain than I may ever know. She kissed him again and again, sobbing into his neck. I felt like I was tearing her limb from limb by walking away from her while holding him. I held her as she kissed the baby in my arms. Red stepped in and joy had me back away. Her sorrow was greater than I could express. I slipped my flip flops back on and stepped outside, feeling the weight and value of who I held in my hands. The world seemed so different on the way out than it had on my way in. I now had this beautiful baby to bring back to tlc, what a joy! But look at the pain and devistation that brought us here. I felt like I had passed through a journey and was now a different person. I had a whole new perspective; this was the most painful thing I have seen in my life.

One thing this baby's mom was able to give him, something that will never change or go away, is his name. Asher means blessed and happy. He is, and he will continue to be (blessed and happy). He has many people who love him, he has a family who he has yet to meet, and a family who he will not remember. They both love him, they both will be a part of him forever and they both have and will give him very important things in life. Asher's first mom could not have given him a better start on life, and (I believe) loved him as much as it is possible to love. On the ride home I felt so empty. This baby had no idea what his mother had gone through. I hope somehow, one day he'll know and understand what took place in this little apartment, on a narrow street, somewhere in Manila.

I fell head over heels in love with Asher as he slept on my chest the whole way home. Baby Asher, I love you!!! I pray you and your mom will meet again one day, I pray that you will both allow the Lord to heal these deep wounds. I pray a blessing on your life, a blessing stronger than life, stronger than pain, stronger than death. A blessing that the Lord is watching over you and protecting you, a blessing that you can be brave and strong because you have Jesus by your side. I pray a blessing not that you won't struggle or experience pain, but that God will be your strength and your guide. I pray that the Lord's love will be more real than the pain and sorrow you feel. I pray that you would allow the Lord to open your eyes to the beautiful gift your mother gave you. I pray this would be a story of pride, and not of pain. Your mom has made a huge sacrifice and you have great things ahead of you! The Lord has incredible plans for your life including a family who desperately loves you! I pray that God prepares them to receive you even now! Sweet dreams!

The Gustafsons and the Gundersons

This blog is about the beautiful family who have started and continue to serve in Help International Ministries. Everyone works together on keeping both ministries going, Shiphrah Birthing Home and the little children's home (tlc). Each person plays a vital part, it's amazing and beautiful work to see.

The Gustafson's are a beautiful family! They have really welcomed me into this ministry and have taught me so much! I am blessed to be able to spend time with them! Their family dynamic is truly unique and beautiful. It's so fun just to watch them interacting with their kids and with each other, they are very open and loving. I love talking and spending time with each one of them, they have blessed me in so many ways! They are a big part of the reason why I wish I could never have to leave the Philippines! Each of their kids have a beautiful and vital place in the family:

Aubrey


Aubrey loves interacting with others, he is a great inquirer of knowledge. He loves quizing everyone on science questions and making up poems. He's a very bright kid! He has a great sense of humor and is an amazing Kuya. He loves taking care of his younger siblings and is great at it! He is also really obedient and helpful to Deborah and Darren. Aubrey is great at coming up with games and interacts in imaginative and creative ways with his siblings. He is one of the most knowledgable and most well-spoken eight year olds I know!

Auden

Auden is SO pinchable and kissable! He is a very joyful kid; he loves laughing and telling jokes. Every time I ask him if I can kiss his cheeks he always says "YES!". He loves playing with his Kuya and they usually get along really well. He also loves teaching Bernadette, how to pray, share, and speak english. Auden is sensitive, creative, and imaginative, he's always explaining some new game or idea to me.

Bernadette

Bernadette is an explosion of joy and energy! She makes me feel so special and loved! She is extremely open and loving, she welcomes others into her circle without hesitation! As soon as I walk into the house, she starts dumping pillows off of a chair for me to sit on and this morning before church she was walking around the house asking, "Where's my Marli?" She loves her Kuyas (big brothers), making funny faces, and being tickled! She has millions of adorable little games that she loves to play over and over and over again! Speaking in english and tagalog with her is really fun! She helps me learn words really well because we say them to each other many times! Bernadette's language has been exploding lately! She is learning so much and talking a whole lot more and more often in complete sentences! She's a huge joy!!!

She was letting me know how old she is (On May 2nd she turned three!)


Aubrey and Auden have some very close and very sweet friends who live next door. They are always joyful and encouraging to me! They really appreciate any attention I give them and that blesses me. It's really beautiful how the Gustafson's really make these kids a part of their family!


I've loved building relationships with each of these kids! All of them relentlessly give away their love, attention and friendship, I am blessed to have them in my life at this time.

Darren and Deborah are amazing mentors for and supporters of adoptive families. They have a lot of wisdom to share. They create a welcoming atmosphere to all who enter their home. Deborah and Darren really value people and it totally shows through. They are really open about the intimate things of their hearts and their deep passions . I can feel the holy spirit's presence and their love for each other when they sing together. Their lives are beautifully fluid, home schooling their kids, being friends to the pastor's family, working with adoptive families, being a part of the birthing home, helping with prenatals and transports, managing the little children's home, playing soccar with tlc's kids on saturday nights, singing and praying as a family, all of it is the Lord's work and all of it is deeply a part of who they are. I really appreciate their attentiveness to each person individually, I feel so valued and respected by them. I am blessed to be welcomed in their home, I don't know what I would do without the joy of this beautiful family!

Sara is extremely intelligent and up to date on cultural issues. She has an educated and deeply thought out opinion on important topics. She is great at coming up with reasonable and well-thought out solutions. She is absolutely in love with animals just like her mom, who both treat them with the uttmost love and adoration. Sara mainly does administrative work for the baby home with the process adoption. She is very welcoming and open to new people coming to the Philippines. She's been a great listener to me and always has helpful advice on how to survive at being an introvert in a country where no one is ever alone! She is really sweet and personable, it's great to be around her! Having dinner with her and the rest of the family a few times a week is a great time of community and fellowship for me.

Jeri and Deborah


Jeri loves teaching, natural birth, and the women at the Paanakan. She loves seeking things out and self-evaluating. She had a lot of insight and wisdom on how to really give women the most choices possible. Her goal is for women to have the birth they want without introducing our own theories or agendas. She is constantly encouraging us to ask questions, of others and of ourselves. She works tirelessly to get us students to think through our personal passions, purposes and philosophies. She loves figuring out what is really happening in a given labor or pregnancy. Jeri has a lot of wisdom to give about birth and about life in general. She has a powerful understanding of women and their needs, especially during pregnancy and birth. She is a fighter for what is right, for dignity and for women's health. I am blessed to have her as a mentor!

It's awesome that so many different people and pieces of this ministry are so connected and fluid together. By the grace of God, I am truly surrounded by loving, passionate, and selfless people. I must constantly stay humble as I have so much to learn from each of these beautiful people. They are honest, open, and realistic about ministry: the difficulties and the joys. I have already learned so much, but also have a long way to go. I can never forget how blessed I am to be here! What a precious gift, I pray I never forget the awesome grace that has brought me here.

I'll add some family pictures to this blog as soon as I can get them :)

A Birth Story

I want to preface this birth by saying that most births are completely normal at the Paanakan and happen without any medical intervention, complication or having to transport. This birth is unique and gave me a new perspective, which is why I chose to write about it. Most births here, even for first time moms happen without a hiccup.

Racquel came in at 8:15 am on 4/15/10 at 4 cm. Her contractions weren't very strong and she was really calm. Through out the prenatal check ups that morning she walked around and hung out. This was her first baby and she and her husband are both 21 years old. She labored all day very calmly with her husband and her mom. She was really good-natured and sweet. At 4:16 pm Ate Grace, her midwife, and I checked her and she was 6-7 cm. Ate Grace advised her to take Caster oil. Later in the evening she rested on her left side (to ensure the most blood flow to the baby). At 10:15 pm I came into the labor room to find Ate Grace and the family looking kind of serious. Grace told me that the baby's heartbeat had been dangerously high for the past minute or so. We checked again and it was a little better but, still not normal. Ate Grace considered transporting her but when she checked Raquel's dilation, her water broke, she was at 9 cm, and she was having much stronger contractions. It was a little late at this point to transport. Then we had the mom change positions. This helped a lot, to bring the baby's heart beat back to normal. She labored on her hands and knees with Grace and I checking the heart beat every 2-5 minutes. At 10:59 Racquel was fully dialated and we moved her to a squatting position so she could push. She wasn't pushing very effectively and the baby was coming down crooked which only made it harder for her. She did make a little bit of progress while squatting though. The heart beat was still doing some funky things every once in a while, like going really high or really low. We moved her back to hands and knees around 11:30. This position did not improve her efforts so we asked her what she wanted. She decided to lie on the floor with pillows behind her head and her husband supporting her. In this position she slowly made some progress. At this point we could see a little bit of the head and it wasn't going back in anymore, which was great. At one point Grace turned to me and told me that Racquel couldn't push for more than two hours. I asked her what happens after two hours and she told me that they have to use the vacuum extraction and light fundal pressure. Grace was really reluctant to do it but knew that the baby would likely go into distress and the mom would get exhausted if she pushed for longer than two hours. By using fundal pressure (no vacuum yet) the baby was almost crowning. Then the midwives said that she had one more try to push the baby out without the vaccum. It was awful because she wanted it so badly and we all wanted it for her but she was too tired and had been trying for too long. This mom was so brave! She was willing to do whatever she had to do for her baby. Never once did she ask us to stop or tell us that it hurt (which I'm sure it did). I tried talking to the baby and telling him it was time to come out and that her belly wasn't his home anymore. I told him, "hindi mo bahay-it's not your home". I also let him know that despite what he might think, it isn't so bad out here. We used the vaccum to pull three times before the head was almost out and Racquel did the rest by herself. I caught the baby's body after Grace was done with the vacuum. The baby was born at 1:12 am on 4/16/10 and was put on his mom's belly right away. I told the parents, "it's a boy!". Right after the baby was born the mom was talking, smiling, and laughing. She was so happy to have him here. Until 3 am I checked the mom every thirty minutes and got to help her with nursing. They decided to name him Carl Andrew and he already responds to his name! When I told him to open his mouth (so that he could eat) he only actually did it when I said his name!!

While sitting with this mom for so long during her labor, I got really exhausted! Ate Grace was amazing! She was so attentive and never got tired. She was encouraging and very invested in this family. It was hard for me to watch a vaccum extraction, which is a procedure that I would never want to use. I was really upset that this mom had to have such a difficult and traumatic birth. Yet, as I journaled about this birth I thought back to the mom's reaction to all of this. Did she ever once cry or complain through all the fundal pressure and the vacuum extraction? Did she ever ask us to stop or tell us it hurt? No, she was so brave, much more brave than I ever could be. As soon as that baby boy was in her arms she was smiling and talking as if she'd just had the best birth ever. I realized that in fact she had! Her birth was exactly what it needed to be for her and through the whole experience she was joyful and diligent. She was so happy to have her healthy baby in her arms that she didn't care about all that she had to go through to get there. The care of these loving midwives and the fact that we did everything we could to let her have a natural birth before using the vacuum are what made her birth wonderful! Why should I be upset about her birth experience when she is happily feeding and enjoying her baby? I wonder if one of the reasons why this birth upset me was because it was so out of my control. Intervening in a medical sort of way is the last thing I want to do at a birth. Yet this birth showed me when it is necessary. I had to remind myself that it's not about what I prefere, it's about her! And about what she wants! From how joyful and content she was after the birth, I'm pretty sure she got the birth she wanted. In the end of the day, there was a beautiful, healthy mom and her beautiful, healthy baby who was born as naturally as possible, how amazing! I need to let go of my own idealologies about birth. My own theories and ideas become so umimportant in the face of these women and the kind of birth that they want to have. I cannot force what I want onto them even if I think it is best for them. Racquel was so grateful! She was just so blessed and happy to have her baby! And I realized that her birth wasn't traumatic, she was able to have a beautiful birth because of her great attitude and these attentive and caring midwivs. Racquel did an amazing job and was amazingly brave! This birth was difficult, yet it turned out to be a beautiful, wonderful, and satisfying birth! Welcome to the world Carl Andrew, I told you it's not so bad out here.

A Day with Vanessa

A few afternoons ago I got to bring Vanessa over to the birthing home for a few hours. It was such a beautiful afternoon to spend with her. I pushed her on the swing, we took a few walks and we napped on the couch. She fell asleep on the swing and on the walk. She's such a sweet, beautiful girl and it was great to have this lovely afternoon with her!

Practicing Midwifery Skills

This past week we practiced a lot of practical midwifery skills. We sutured chicken, injected oranges and did IVs on each other! Everything was really fun! I really liked giving IVs to people but didn't like receiving one so much! I was really nervous about it and I'm sorry to say that I cried like a baby! Kuya Effrain and Ate Helen were awesome and offered up their hands and blood vessels for us to practice on! Ate Helen even allowed us to poke her three times on one hand so that we could get into her vessels, she was so sweet about it! If my face doesn't show it from these pictures I'll just say that suturing was probably my favorite. It's was great, we each had our own midwife who guided and taught us.


I think Kim enjoyed suturing too



Lyds did an amazing job as my teacher! (Dina also did a great job helping both me and Miranda)

Lauren, Kim, Miranda, and me with our chickens

IV practice


Don't let my calm expression fool you I acted like a total baby! I had to squeeze Lyds hand

Miranda's IV on me

Me doing an IV on Miranda with Ate Lyds help

I was happy when my IV was over! It was a great learning experience!