Midwives' Babies

Lately, the midwives' kids have been really warming up to me which is so fun! My relationships with the midwives have grown so much! I love being trusted with their sweet little babies! When Ate Grace and Ate Behl hand me their babies, they hurry out of the room so that I can hold them for longer! I love it! Even Maybell who is really wary of foreigners has started running to me, wanting to play with me and even allowing me to comfort her! I've never had to work this hard to get kids to accept me and befriend me, but it's totally worth it!

Maybell and I

We matched!

She was trying to cover her face so that we couldn't take a picture

All I need is a pink belt to go with mine and I'll be good to go!

Marielle also known as Bisay (a nickname she's had since birth which is a combination of the names of the provinces which her parents are from) has also started letting me hold her more. She loves sitting on my bunk bed, playing with my cell phone, looking through my books and looking at pictures on my camera. I still have to distract her sometimes for her to let me hold her without her mom around. Marielle has really changed, it's been so fun to watch her go from not wanting me to look at her to letting me hold her quite often.

Marielle on my bed

I was letting her look at my bible

she was ever so gently turning each page when all of a sudden....

opps! she tore a page completely out!!! luckily it was in the very front so no big deal. ha ha, I took it away from her after that!!!

The past few days I've also been getting Marielle to go to sleep on my shoulder, it's so fun!


This past sunday it was just Behl, Grace, me and their kids! It was so fun! While they were doing prenatals I could take the babies for them and carry them around with me. I love being a part of this beautiful birthing home family!

Overdue Update

So many things have happened since I last blogged! Just a few are bringing Asher to tlc, another bazar selling trip (just with Jorge and I this time, it was super fun!), renewing my visa, lots of soccer with the Gustafson's and the neighborhood kids, visits to the baby home and seven births plus two transports. A few weeks ago we also had to say goodbye to Lauren which was really sad! She was so sweet in writing letters to all of us and giving the midwives, their ya yas (nannys), and Jeri and Sara goodbye gifts. Throughout our time together I really enjoyed talking and living with Lauren. We also really challenged each other. I know we had times where we were both irritating to each other and I think we both learned a lot by living together. I LOVED talking with her about my family and I loved hearing about hers. Both of us have big families (with lots of girls and one boy!) and our families are really important to both of us. I really enjoyed confiding in Lauren, She is a very compassionate, understanding, and sweet listener. She also has a hilarious and sarcastic sense of humor, which was really fun to have around! I am grateful for all she taught me about midwifery, filipino culture, and living with peers away from one's home and family. She had really great relationships with the midwives and it was really cool to see those relationships develop even more over the time that I was here. Lauren had to leave for her flight at 2:45 am, so we all just stayed up all night with her at Jeri's house! We ordered pizza for dinner, watched Leverage (tv show), and had Lauren do henna on all of us. It was great to share that time with her. Kim also left the saturday right after Lauren. It was hard for all of us to say good bye. Kim was a really fun and energetic person to have around the birthing home! She's also really sweet and caring. Kim has a great sense of humor and is really personable. I got to talk about my baby fetish with her and it was nice because she liked to talk about how cute the midwives kids and babies were too. Seeing both of them leave was sad but it also prepared me for when I'll have to leave the Philippines. It was good to see all of their preparations and to think for myself all the mental and physical preparations I will have to make when I have to leave.

Soccer has been so fun lately! Besides just playing games on thursdays and saturdays Darren has started taking us all out to the basket ball court in the neighborhood and playing soccer games that help us get better at traping and passing. It's humbling but also super fun! I'm learning to laugh at myself more, to appreciate how great these kids are at soccer, and to encourage them as they continue to beat me all the time! Playing soccer with them has been huge for me, sports are an area of life that I thought I would never be a part of and would never enjoy at all! Darren and all of these kids have completely changed that in me and have really empowered me and given me confidence to enjoy working hard and challenging myself in this way! I am so appreciative of the freedom they have given me, they have opened me up to something I thought I could never possibly do! The kids are all so sweet and encouraging (most of the time) and will tell me that I'm "so strong" and I'm "getting so much better". I love them so much! Darren dedicates so much time and effort to all of these kids, he's an amazing encourager, mentor and father figure to all of them. This has been and will continue to be a beautiful blessing to me during my time here.

Just a quick note: the other day I got to see and hold a six week old baby who I had assisted in the delivery of! It was so cool and exciting, I couldn't believe how fast he had grown!

A month or so ago, I went to a women's retreat with the church I'm attending here. It was a totally different experience for me since I've only previously (before coming to the Philippines) participated in youth group, not with women's or young adult groups. It was also a really good experience, the speaker was very genuine and open, she really shared her heart with us which was a big blessing. She shared the tenderness and pain of what she had been through in her life, which was very powerful. It was really refreshing to be there, to have great quiet times, and to participate in beautiful, spirit filled worship services. I enjoyed getting to know more of the women of the church and talking to them about midwifery. The retreat was in Tagaytay and it was absolutely gorgeous! I again got to pass by the Taal volcano which was awesome! The venue was called Hacienda Isabella and it was amazing! The landscaping, decorating and gardens were incredible! Every little nicknack and detail was well planned out and unique. Each room looked different and felt welcoming and fresh. This retreat was a beautiful and refreshing break for me which I really enjoyed!

A Painful Ending and a Beautiful Beginning

On thursday, (April 23rd) I had just finished up prenatals and Lauren, Miranda, Kim and I were having our weekly discussion with Jeri when I found out that Jorge was headed over to Safe Refuge. He offered for me to go and Jeri agreed that it was a good idea. Safe Refuge is a beautiful care ministry for women in crisis. It is the only crisis ministry in the philippines that helps women and their children. Safe Refuge not only helps women care for their children but also gives both women and their children a safe and loving place to live. Moms in unsafe situations can recieve support and care before, during, and after their births. The moms who live there all take turns caring for one another's children while others work. When Shiphrah birthing home receives a buntis (pregnant woman) who is living in an unsafe environment then we send her over to Safe Refuge. The rest of the girls had seen Safe Refuge but I had not. More than that, Jorge's purpose in going was to pick up a new baby for tlc! How exciting! Of course I wanted to go! Joy, tlc's social worker was going to meet us at Safe Refuge and Jorge texted her, asking if it was ok for me to be the one to hold the baby. I was thrilled to be able to hold this little one and to bring him back to tlc!

Once we arrived at Safe Refuge after about an hour drive I realized that the situation was much different than what I had anticipated. We were not simply picking up a baby, we were helping his mom surrender him. Jorge parked on the narrow street and sent me into an apartment down a beautiful little alleyway. I entered into the homey feeling apartment, slipped off my shoes and climbed the stairs. The neighborhood surrounding this building was really beautiful, tiny little streets with cute colorful apartments wedged between one another with little barber shops and bakeries in between. Through out the house the colors were bright and joyful and there were lots of pictures, encouraging words, and scriptures on the walls. I entered a room at the end of the upstairs hall and found it freezing compared to the hot hallway. I found Joy, Ate Red (one of the directors of Safe Refuge), a friend of the family, and a young mom with her small newborn. I felt like an abrupt and insensitive intruder entering into a sacred moment. I had just stepped into one situation when I (foolishly) had been expecting something totally different. The room felt heavy; the gravity of the situation was reflected in the atmosphere. I soon learned that the baby's name was Asher and he had a three year old brother and had been delivered by cesarian section at a local hospital three days earlier. The brother came in and sat with his mom. Although perhaps he sensed the seriousness in the room, he in no way grasped the life-changing events that were taking place. We all sat calmly as this mom looked down at her baby, wiping her tears from his face. He was sleeping so peacefully, being totally unaware of the monumental changes happening in his life. He had a torrent of dark thick hair, a wide face, small lips and I saw, once he woke up, peering light brown eyes. His arms were pink and covered in soft downey hair. His mom was so tender with him, smoothing his hair, touching his cheek. I marveled at her courage; to make peace with this decision and to let him go all because she believes it will provide the best life for him. This is perhaps the most selfless love. She started sobbing, her shoulders shaking, I could feel the weight of the terrible decision she had to make and the tearing that was happening inside of her. My mind was blown by how incredibly hard this was, how real, desperate, and painful a surrendering is. All of a sudden a whirl of emotions hit me. What in the world was I doing here? I didn't want to be the one to carry this precious baby away from his mom! I felt like I could feel just a drop of her loss and it was too great for me. I couldn't cry, I couldn't release, comprehend, or even acknowledge all that I was feeling for both this mom and her son. I started to grasp the reality of the pain of the awful separation that had to take place. I wanted it to be over and I wanted to get out. I did not want to see such a painful ripping of two souls. When we started taking pictures, the baby's mom buried her face in his neck kissing him and wiping her tears off of him. She handed the baby to joy for her to hold for a while. She wept some more, holding onto Ate Red's shoulder. The baby was handed back to his mom and she nursed him and held him some more. We took more pictures and just sat with her for a while, trying to give her all the time she needed. I don't think it ever would have been enough. After quite some time, Joy told me it was time. I held out my hands to the baby and to his mom and she placed her perfect little baby boy into them. I could never in a lifetime explain all of the emotions that rushed through me. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders with a responsibility that wasn't even mine. I wanted to look into her eyes and tell her that I would never ever let anything happen to him. I wanted to promise her that he would never feel pain, that he would always be safe and protected and that he would have a beautiful life because of her sacrifice. I wanted to tell her that I would personally guard him and look after him, risking my own life for his. But how could I promise such a thing? I felt I was holding the worlds most precious life as I walked out of the chilly room into the stifling heat of the hallway. I wanted to protect his new little life from every noise, every smell and every thing that could ever possibly hurt him. Just being in the presence of a pain this great was difficult for me. At the bottom of the stairs I turned to find the mom close behind me. She came over and kissed the baby again, her tears were more than I have cried in a lifeitme and carried more pain than I may ever know. She kissed him again and again, sobbing into his neck. I felt like I was tearing her limb from limb by walking away from her while holding him. I held her as she kissed the baby in my arms. Red stepped in and joy had me back away. Her sorrow was greater than I could express. I slipped my flip flops back on and stepped outside, feeling the weight and value of who I held in my hands. The world seemed so different on the way out than it had on my way in. I now had this beautiful baby to bring back to tlc, what a joy! But look at the pain and devistation that brought us here. I felt like I had passed through a journey and was now a different person. I had a whole new perspective; this was the most painful thing I have seen in my life.

One thing this baby's mom was able to give him, something that will never change or go away, is his name. Asher means blessed and happy. He is, and he will continue to be (blessed and happy). He has many people who love him, he has a family who he has yet to meet, and a family who he will not remember. They both love him, they both will be a part of him forever and they both have and will give him very important things in life. Asher's first mom could not have given him a better start on life, and (I believe) loved him as much as it is possible to love. On the ride home I felt so empty. This baby had no idea what his mother had gone through. I hope somehow, one day he'll know and understand what took place in this little apartment, on a narrow street, somewhere in Manila.

I fell head over heels in love with Asher as he slept on my chest the whole way home. Baby Asher, I love you!!! I pray you and your mom will meet again one day, I pray that you will both allow the Lord to heal these deep wounds. I pray a blessing on your life, a blessing stronger than life, stronger than pain, stronger than death. A blessing that the Lord is watching over you and protecting you, a blessing that you can be brave and strong because you have Jesus by your side. I pray a blessing not that you won't struggle or experience pain, but that God will be your strength and your guide. I pray that the Lord's love will be more real than the pain and sorrow you feel. I pray that you would allow the Lord to open your eyes to the beautiful gift your mother gave you. I pray this would be a story of pride, and not of pain. Your mom has made a huge sacrifice and you have great things ahead of you! The Lord has incredible plans for your life including a family who desperately loves you! I pray that God prepares them to receive you even now! Sweet dreams!

The Gustafsons and the Gundersons

This blog is about the beautiful family who have started and continue to serve in Help International Ministries. Everyone works together on keeping both ministries going, Shiphrah Birthing Home and the little children's home (tlc). Each person plays a vital part, it's amazing and beautiful work to see.

The Gustafson's are a beautiful family! They have really welcomed me into this ministry and have taught me so much! I am blessed to be able to spend time with them! Their family dynamic is truly unique and beautiful. It's so fun just to watch them interacting with their kids and with each other, they are very open and loving. I love talking and spending time with each one of them, they have blessed me in so many ways! They are a big part of the reason why I wish I could never have to leave the Philippines! Each of their kids have a beautiful and vital place in the family:

Aubrey


Aubrey loves interacting with others, he is a great inquirer of knowledge. He loves quizing everyone on science questions and making up poems. He's a very bright kid! He has a great sense of humor and is an amazing Kuya. He loves taking care of his younger siblings and is great at it! He is also really obedient and helpful to Deborah and Darren. Aubrey is great at coming up with games and interacts in imaginative and creative ways with his siblings. He is one of the most knowledgable and most well-spoken eight year olds I know!

Auden

Auden is SO pinchable and kissable! He is a very joyful kid; he loves laughing and telling jokes. Every time I ask him if I can kiss his cheeks he always says "YES!". He loves playing with his Kuya and they usually get along really well. He also loves teaching Bernadette, how to pray, share, and speak english. Auden is sensitive, creative, and imaginative, he's always explaining some new game or idea to me.

Bernadette

Bernadette is an explosion of joy and energy! She makes me feel so special and loved! She is extremely open and loving, she welcomes others into her circle without hesitation! As soon as I walk into the house, she starts dumping pillows off of a chair for me to sit on and this morning before church she was walking around the house asking, "Where's my Marli?" She loves her Kuyas (big brothers), making funny faces, and being tickled! She has millions of adorable little games that she loves to play over and over and over again! Speaking in english and tagalog with her is really fun! She helps me learn words really well because we say them to each other many times! Bernadette's language has been exploding lately! She is learning so much and talking a whole lot more and more often in complete sentences! She's a huge joy!!!

She was letting me know how old she is (On May 2nd she turned three!)


Aubrey and Auden have some very close and very sweet friends who live next door. They are always joyful and encouraging to me! They really appreciate any attention I give them and that blesses me. It's really beautiful how the Gustafson's really make these kids a part of their family!


I've loved building relationships with each of these kids! All of them relentlessly give away their love, attention and friendship, I am blessed to have them in my life at this time.

Darren and Deborah are amazing mentors for and supporters of adoptive families. They have a lot of wisdom to share. They create a welcoming atmosphere to all who enter their home. Deborah and Darren really value people and it totally shows through. They are really open about the intimate things of their hearts and their deep passions . I can feel the holy spirit's presence and their love for each other when they sing together. Their lives are beautifully fluid, home schooling their kids, being friends to the pastor's family, working with adoptive families, being a part of the birthing home, helping with prenatals and transports, managing the little children's home, playing soccar with tlc's kids on saturday nights, singing and praying as a family, all of it is the Lord's work and all of it is deeply a part of who they are. I really appreciate their attentiveness to each person individually, I feel so valued and respected by them. I am blessed to be welcomed in their home, I don't know what I would do without the joy of this beautiful family!

Sara is extremely intelligent and up to date on cultural issues. She has an educated and deeply thought out opinion on important topics. She is great at coming up with reasonable and well-thought out solutions. She is absolutely in love with animals just like her mom, who both treat them with the uttmost love and adoration. Sara mainly does administrative work for the baby home with the process adoption. She is very welcoming and open to new people coming to the Philippines. She's been a great listener to me and always has helpful advice on how to survive at being an introvert in a country where no one is ever alone! She is really sweet and personable, it's great to be around her! Having dinner with her and the rest of the family a few times a week is a great time of community and fellowship for me.

Jeri and Deborah


Jeri loves teaching, natural birth, and the women at the Paanakan. She loves seeking things out and self-evaluating. She had a lot of insight and wisdom on how to really give women the most choices possible. Her goal is for women to have the birth they want without introducing our own theories or agendas. She is constantly encouraging us to ask questions, of others and of ourselves. She works tirelessly to get us students to think through our personal passions, purposes and philosophies. She loves figuring out what is really happening in a given labor or pregnancy. Jeri has a lot of wisdom to give about birth and about life in general. She has a powerful understanding of women and their needs, especially during pregnancy and birth. She is a fighter for what is right, for dignity and for women's health. I am blessed to have her as a mentor!

It's awesome that so many different people and pieces of this ministry are so connected and fluid together. By the grace of God, I am truly surrounded by loving, passionate, and selfless people. I must constantly stay humble as I have so much to learn from each of these beautiful people. They are honest, open, and realistic about ministry: the difficulties and the joys. I have already learned so much, but also have a long way to go. I can never forget how blessed I am to be here! What a precious gift, I pray I never forget the awesome grace that has brought me here.

I'll add some family pictures to this blog as soon as I can get them :)