Once we arrived at Safe Refuge after about an hour drive I realized that the situation was much different than what I had anticipated. We were not simply picking up a baby, we were helping his mom surrender him. Jorge parked on the narrow street and sent me into an apartment down a beautiful little alleyway. I entered into the homey feeling apartment, slipped off my shoes and climbed the stairs. The neighborhood surrounding this building was really beautiful, tiny little streets with cute colorful apartments wedged between one another with little barber shops and bakeries in between. Through out the house the colors were bright and joyful and there were lots of pictures, encouraging words, and scriptures on the walls. I entered a room at the end of the upstairs hall and found it freezing compared to the hot hallway. I found Joy, Ate Red (one of the directors of Safe Refuge), a friend of the family, and a young mom with her small newborn. I felt like an abrupt and insensitive intruder entering into a sacred moment. I had just stepped into one situation when I (foolishly) had been expecting something totally different. The room felt heavy; the gravity of the situation was reflected in the atmosphere. I soon learned that the baby's name was Asher and he had a three year old brother and had been delivered by cesarian section at a local hospital three days earlier. The brother came in and sat with his mom. Although perhaps he sensed the seriousness in the room, he in no way grasped the life-changing events that were taking place. We all sat calmly as this mom looked down at her baby, wiping her tears from his face. He was sleeping so peacefully, being totally unaware of the monumental changes happening in his life. He had a torrent of dark thick hair, a wide face, small lips and I saw, once he woke up, peering light brown eyes. His arms were pink and covered in soft downey hair. His mom was so tender with him, smoothing his hair, touching his cheek. I marveled at her courage; to make peace with this decision and to let him go all because she believes it will provide the best life for him. This is perhaps the most selfless love. She started sobbing, her shoulders shaking, I could feel the weight of the terrible decision she had to make and the tearing that was happening inside of her. My mind was blown by how incredibly hard this was, how real, desperate, and painful a surrendering is. All of a sudden a whirl of emotions hit me. What in the world was I doing here? I didn't want to be the one to carry this precious baby away from his mom! I felt like I could feel just a drop of her loss and it was too great for me. I couldn't cry, I couldn't release, comprehend, or even acknowledge all that I was feeling for both this mom and her son. I started to grasp the reality of the pain of the awful separation that had to take place. I wanted it to be over and I wanted to get out. I did not want to see such a painful ripping of two souls. When we started taking pictures, the baby's mom buried her face in his neck kissing him and wiping her tears off of him. She handed the baby to joy for her to hold for a while. She wept some more, holding onto Ate Red's shoulder. The baby was handed back to his mom and she nursed him and held him some more. We took more pictures and just sat with her for a while, trying to give her all the time she needed. I don't think it ever would have been enough. After quite some time, Joy told me it was time. I held out my hands to the baby and to his mom and she placed her perfect little baby boy into them. I could never in a lifetime explain all of the emotions that rushed through me. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders with a responsibility that wasn't even mine. I wanted to look into her eyes and tell her that I would never ever let anything happen to him. I wanted to promise her that he would never feel pain, that he would always be safe and protected and that he would have a beautiful life because of her sacrifice. I wanted to tell her that I would personally guard him and look after him, risking my own life for his. But how could I promise such a thing? I felt I was holding the worlds most precious life as I walked out of the chilly room into the stifling heat of the hallway. I wanted to protect his new little life from every noise, every smell and every thing that could ever possibly hurt him. Just being in the presence of a pain this great was difficult for me. At the bottom of the stairs I turned to find the mom close behind me. She came over and kissed the baby again, her tears were more than I have cried in a lifeitme and carried more pain than I may ever know. She kissed him again and again, sobbing into his neck. I felt like I was tearing her limb from limb by walking away from her while holding him. I held her as she kissed the baby in my arms. Red stepped in and joy had me back away. Her sorrow was greater than I could express. I slipped my flip flops back on and stepped outside, feeling the weight and value of who I held in my hands. The world seemed so different on the way out than it had on my way in. I now had this beautiful baby to bring back to tlc, what a joy! But look at the pain and devistation that brought us here. I felt like I had passed through a journey and was now a different person. I had a whole new perspective; this was the most painful thing I have seen in my life.
One thing this baby's mom was able to give him, something that will never change or go away, is his name. Asher means blessed and happy. He is, and he will continue to be (blessed and happy). He has many people who love him, he has a family who he has yet to meet, and a family who he will not remember. They both love him, they both will be a part of him forever and they both have and will give him very important things in life. Asher's first mom could not have given him a better start on life, and (I believe) loved him as much as it is possible to love. On the ride home I felt so empty. This baby had no idea what his mother had gone through. I hope somehow, one day he'll know and understand what took place in this little apartment, on a narrow street, somewhere in Manila.
I fell head over heels in love with Asher as he slept on my chest the whole way home. Baby Asher, I love you!!! I pray you and your mom will meet again one day, I pray that you will both allow the Lord to heal these deep wounds. I pray a blessing on your life, a blessing stronger than life, stronger than pain, stronger than death. A blessing that the Lord is watching over you and protecting you, a blessing that you can be brave and strong because you have Jesus by your side. I pray a blessing not that you won't struggle or experience pain, but that God will be your strength and your guide. I pray that the Lord's love will be more real than the pain and sorrow you feel. I pray that you would allow the Lord to open your eyes to the beautiful gift your mother gave you. I pray this would be a story of pride, and not of pain. Your mom has made a huge sacrifice and you have great things ahead of you! The Lord has incredible plans for your life including a family who desperately loves you! I pray that God prepares them to receive you even now! Sweet dreams!
Amen!
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